Charming Perfectly
by Kentra Kohama
Summary: Eridan Ampora has problems with women. They say he's "too clingy" and "childish". Maybe Gamzee is right. Maybe he should ask a professional for advice. (EridanxKarkat Humanstuck. Mentions of previous GamKat and current GamTav. There will be mature things.)
1. Mother, Mother

**That awkward moment when you have no idea what to put down as a greeting is ever present in my life. Also the need to further stress myself by writing yet another story and being slightly insincere when I say I'll get right on writing for it. But hey, if ****you know me, you know that I'm nothing if not determined. (Well, I'm lazy, but this bone to another dog.)**

**I love saying that. I sound wise. Hehehe.**

**I like Homestuck. I know much about it. No, I have not read beyond, let's see… Terezi's little Party Rumpu****s Something or Another Town chat thing and her little chat with Karkat via Trollian. (Can I just add that Karkat is the most adorable little jerk when it comes to blood colors? Gosh, what a cutie.) BUT! This does not mean I know nothing beyond that. In fac****t, far from it!**

**I blame my friends, who read ahead and blab to me about it. I have almost total knowledge of most of the storyline. As for details… Well, I'll get there. (Any loose references to the shipping of the Psiionic and the Condescension should be**** ignored, unless you're into that too. The same goes for the very violent shipping of the Grand Highblood and the Sufferer.)**

**Kurloz is adorable.**

_**Anyway**_**, as I was **_**saying**_**, or going to say, or whatever… This is a Karkat and Eridan story. It started out all ****cutesy and sweet. And then I thought about it for a bit and it became shippy and lemony. I can't help it now, gotta write it down. A story in which Eridan needs love advice and enlists in a professional for lessons. (And then falls for said professional.)**

**Did I mention that this is Humanstuck?**

"Now, now, Mother just has to run out to get a few things." The words sounded so fake; the way they were dripping with kindness and promise was enough to make any person sick. The perfectly manicured nails were tapping against a briefcase that still smelled new. The annoyance just under the loving mask was leaking into the air. It was chokingly apparent.

But still he allowed his arms to wind around her thigh. His cheek pressed to her fancy dress as he pleaded with all his being. _No, no, no. I don't want to be left with that man again._ Words that could never escape the cage that was his mind beat senselessly behind his eyes. They beat so hard that tears, hot and stinging tears, began staining his cheeks. _No, no, n__o. I want you to stay._

His hair was mussed uncaringly as she pushed him down, pushed him away. Her pretty purple boots clicked like her nails, though it did not mask her heavy sigh. A finger was raised, shaking at him so hard that gold-and-silver bracelets jangled, "Now, listen here. Mother would never lie to you. So, be a good boy until I come back. I will come back, child."

_Child._ She might as well have said _unwanted child_ if she wanted to use that stern, angry tone. His outstretched hand was slapped away, the gold and silver blur around her wrist clanging in his ears. _Naughty child_, _hated child_, _stupid child_. Never did her lips utter his name. There was _nothing good about him_.

"You know that Mother loves you. Mother will return."

She always did that. Always said _Mother_ rather than _I_ because it removed _her_ from the world that involved her child. Her little _monster_. But even if it was all lies. Even if she didn't return for days at a time and left him alone with all his thoughts, he could only cling to those words.

_Mother loves you_. _Mother will return_. _Mother would never lie to you_.

"Child?"

His head hurt. The ringing of her bracelets was caught in his mind. Echoing without a pause. Eyes shaded from her view, a slightly grubby sleeve scrubbing away tear tracks. A bright smile of emptiness.

"Yes, Mother. I will wait for you."

Water pounded against his matted hair, dribbling down to rest on his shoulders for a moment before continuing down his back. His glasses rested on the back of the toilet, beside his razors, fogging in the humid air. His clothes, neatly folded, sat on the lowered lid of the john, probably becoming damp thanks to the steam hanging around.

Once the shower ran cold, he pushed the curtain open, stepping onto slick tile and nearly falling forward. He turned his head, fumbling for his glasses. They would only make him even more ungraceful in their current state, but he never felt right without them. He felt exposed.

He shut the water off, rubbing his hair vigorously with a towel. After deeming it able to withstand warfare with a brush, he left the bathroom with his clothing tucked under one arm. The trek to his room wasn't all that long, but it might as well have been miles. _Stop following me_, he wanted to say, _Just leave me be_.

The mirrors were silent, like always, portraying his reflection every few paces. Legs that were too thin. Arms that were too long. Skin that was too pale. Feet that were too large. Hair that was too wild. Hips that were too narrow. Eyes that were too bright.

He should have dressed in the bathroom.

The door to his room was finally in his sight, soon shut tight behind his quivering back. No mirrors here. Only the comforting whir of a desktop personal computer, the muted violet of drawn curtians, and the welcoming softness of a custom-made mattress. His blanket made a soft puff once he leaped upon it, sinking down among his collected pillows of varying size.

The purple-jacketed phone laying on the small table beside his bed lit up, playing a soft jingle to let him know someone was calling him. He didn't really feel like picking it up, but the jingle repeated istelf insistently. He sat up, overly large hand gripping the small piece of technology and thumbing the little green button. "Ampora," he said quietly.

A low rush of static fuzzed out his caller for a moment before he heard a distant shout. He flopped back on his bed, eyes that matched his curtains closing. Another rush of static, and then a voice he recognized, "Hey, Eribro! Sorry about all up and hanging on you last night. Tav needed help up those miraculous stairs again."

"Hello, Gamzee," he responded mechanically, his slightly British-like accent becoming apparent to match his caller's Southern-ish drawl. Something about the way the other spoke set him slightly on edge, but also soothed him. His eyes rolled about beneath their lids while he waited for Gamzee to reply. "I take it that the plan to put in ramps is on hold?"

"Pff, yeah. I could do it myself, but my job is just eatin' away at me. But I didn't get up all early to talk to my motherfuckin' Eribro about me 'nd Tav. You said something about life not being so miraculous lately." There was a long pause that the violet-eyed teen could not bring himself to fill. "You been all right in that place, all up and takin' care of yourself?"

He asked because for all the years they had known one another, Gamzee had acted as something like a caretaker for Eridan. He checked on him when school was out, made sure his fridge was stocked, and occasionally helped him hobble home whenever he turned up without a word of explanation. He slid his free hand through his still-damp hair, "...Yeah."

"That's good," Gamzee said, his tone one of relief and worry. "You gonna be all up and joining us for school some time soon?"

Eridan looked over at his folded clothing, stroking the uniform jacket several times, "...I suppose."

"Motherfuckin' miraculous, Eribro! I'll let Nep know, she's been pretty charged about getting you that whatchamacallit. Mm... Well, motherfucker, can't pull it outta my head right now, but you know what I mean. See you. Make sure you keep up your chin, bro."

"Right. Good-bye, Gamzee. I'll see you soon."

**I think I just angsted. Oops. Thoughts?**


	2. Time-Sensitive

**I know there are probably a lot of people out there who ship Feferi and Eridan, but... I don't know what it is, but I just feel that Eridan deserves better? I don't particularily like Feferi to begin with, though I do like Meenah...**

**To be honest, I like to pair Eridan off with anyone but Feferi. But that's just my personal thoughts on the matter. Read this as a warning of some exFefEri. I'll do my best to keep it from getting too "ohhh, poor Eridan, struck out again, waaah", but that's kind of the point. Why else would he look for a pro?**

_**0o0o0**_

He really had not been looking forward to this. He had told Gamzee that everything was fine. They were getting back together, the relationship was patched up. But that wasn't the case. Especially not when that was the first thing he saw when he entered the large doors of his school.

She was standing near the first row of lockers, bouncing a little with excitement. A copious amount of blonde hair tumbled from her scalp, nearly appearing to have a mind of its own as it spiraled and twisted down to the small of her back. The myriad of clips that tamed her wild mess of hair were, as always, adorned with seashells. The ocean patterned sundress, and some sort of coral-studded shoes that he didn't know the technical name of, completed her look.

Feferi Peixes. His girlfriend. Or, to be more time-sensitive, his ex-girlfriend.

She was pretty, in a freckled, chubby-cheeked, bouncy child sort of way. She was nice, a bit flighty, and always jumping from place to place. She had a funny way of talking, and a funny way of walking. She was easily amused, overly joyful about small things... He could list everything about her, and it wouldn't make her any less of a wonderful person.

And a wonderful person deserved to be able to pick and choose who they wanted.

Which brought Eridan's attention back to reality, for he had been caught in a bit of a daze, when a voice that irritated him to no end grated on his senses, "Hey, Feferi!" His hands clenched as the tech whiz who had captured his former girl's heart leaned against the lockers with a smirk.

"Sorry about making you wait," he said, his braces not at all improving his rather apparent lisp. He was wearing those confounded glasses again. Not that Eridan could really talk. He watched Sollux, the bastard, lean in to peck Feferi on her slightly upturned nose just as their eyes met. "Your ex is here, Fef," he said, almost spitting in her freckled face.

She whirled around to wave cheerily. "Eridaaan!" she squealed, rushing forward to give him a surprisingly strong hug. She was a little rounded, just enough to be cuddly and squishy. It was a stark contrast to Eridan's thin limbs and sharp edges, a contrast that was even more noticeable now. "Eridaaan, you came to school! Hooray!"

He bent his knees a little to get a little closer to her height, embracing her carefully. His violet eyes flicked up to meet the polished plastic of Sollux's glasses, a smirk gracing his lips as the other trembled with rage. Feferi was practically ripped from his arms by her boyfriend, his choppy brown locks melding with her captured-sunshine strands.

Feferi squeaked a little, wiggling free and looking between the two boys. Sollux, his hands by his sides, tilted his chin up so he could actually meet Eridan's eyes. They were very nearly polar opposites, what with the shorter student's stocky build and soft features. Eridan lifted his chin a little, but only so he could look down his nose more easily at the other.

"Stay away from my Feferi." The tech whiz really did spit this time, causing Eridan to pull a handkerchief from inside his uniform jack and wipe his face harshly, "She dumped you, so back off, Eridick." The blonde girl was trying to pacify him and apologize to her ex in the same breath.

Taking a moment to calm himself, the taller student tried to focus on something other than the burning hatred he felt for the person before him. He turned slightly, "I am fully aware of that fact, Sollux. Excuse me, I need to fetch my things." He knew that Sollux was trying to pick a fight, probably pelting him with insults, but he tuned it out. He was ashamed to wear the same uniform as that lisping idiot.

His locker appeared to have been vandilized again, but he was used to it by now. The permanent marker that had scrawled **FAG** and **PUSSY** on the chipped paint was lying on the ground. Whoever it was had just been here. Eridan's hands itched to pull his scarf from his bookbag and wrap it around his throat. It would only make the name-calling worse, and verbal, but it would make him feel better.

He decided he would put it on after PE. There was no sense in getting it pulled off by someone and getting thrown about by sweaty jocks.

_0o0o0_

Eridan felt a little over-heated, the comforting wool capturing his breaths and holding them to his throat and chin. He didn't care. It smelled like home, and that was all he needed at this time. He pushed his cafeteria-issued tray of food away, pressing one slightly frayed end to his nose. There was the faintest smell of perfume...

He was jostled out of the beginnings of a memory when the chair in front of him creaked with the weight of a young man even taller than himself. He looked up, violet meeting with violet. "Hello, Gamzee," he said softly, his voice muffled but audible. "How are you today?"

"Motherfuckin' miraculous, Eribro," Gamzee drawled, leaning his head on his palm while his voice rasped and smoothed its way from his throat. He sounded brash, abrasive, almost, but he was strangely charismatic. He tapped one tanned finger against Eridan's pale wrist, "You're gonna turn into some ghost if you keep gettin' pale like that, bro."

Instead of responding, Eridan let his eyes trace over his friend's features. Gamzee was not overweight, though during middle-school he had packed on quite a few pounds. During the summer after, though, he had worked himself into a tanned, and fit, young man. It was one of those little things that people marveled at. (They marveled enough for there to be a Gamzee Makara fan club.)

They were alike in many respects, however. As was probably previously mentioned, they both possessed abnormal violet eyes. Eridan, with his sharp cheekbones and jaw, made it look intimidating, while Gamzee, with his wide grin and just-barely-visible freckles, made it seem inviting. Almost warm.

Eridan waved his other hand after dropping the end of the scarf he had held to his face in the general direction of Gamzee's hair, "Ever heard of a comb?" The wild curls that framed the tanned student's bunching cheeks and obscured his ears seemed even more insane today. Gamzee sorely needed a trim, given the way the black strands were beginning to brush his shoulders.

"Sure, bro, but I was kinda late as a motherfucker," Gamzee responded easily. He yanked off his tie and rubbed at his throat before waving the tie around, "So, gonna spill your shit, Eribro, or do we need to slam a cold drink?"

Oh, that did it. His pale pink lips cracked beneath his scarf before he began giggling softly. Tanned fingers tugged his scarf loose while the giggles were just bubbling out, even as his glasses steamed up and his eyes began to become misty. What was it about his friend that made him so emotional? He didn't care, because Gamzee got out of his chair to sit beside him and hold him close.

"That's what I thought," the slightly older student mumbled, his curls melding with Eridan's carefully styled back locks until the giggles dribbled into choking sobs, and the sobs became hiccups.

_**0o0o0**_

**I... I ship Gamzee and Eridan... I ship them as buddies, as hatemates, as lovers... I don't CARE. AS LONG AS THEY ARE TOGETHER. YES.**

**But yeah, in this one they are buddies, I believe. Anyhoo. Thoughts?**


	3. Fix It

**I'm back! I have another Homestuck fanfic going... *sobs* I'm sorry. I had a bit of a block, here.**

**If someone drew me some lovely fanart, I might be more inclinced to write.**

**I'm kidding!**

**Karkles finally makes an appearance! ONWARD!**

_**0o0o0**_

"Eribro, that's the kind of shit you all up and tell a motherfucker about. Nepeta woulda been all over Fef before you could even think about closing your eyes." Gamzee was walking beside Eridan with a worried expression. It looked alien on his joyful features. The slightly shorter male felt guilty now. "Bro, c'mon, I know it's been a rough motherfuckin' ride for you, but you know I'm here for you the whole way, right?"

The other nodded slightly and hummed, "I know, Gamz. But I didn't want you to worry." His voice shook a little on his _w_s. He scowled at the sidewalk. That was what got him teased throughout most of his childhood. He'd just barely gotten it under control. (He was teased for a lot of other things, but this was something he could at least attempt to fix.)

The rest of the walk home was mostly silent as they stuck close. Eridan wished his friend well, opening the large gate that lead onto the crumbling driveway. A good twenty minutes of walking, and he easily made it to his front door without tripping over anything. He basked in pride for a little while before letting himself in with a groan.

He would have to draw on the rather large bank account, in his name under special circumstances, left to him by his father. The cleaning service would have a terrible time working on the place, but he couldn't just let it rot.

_It had been so beautiful and grand, when he was younger._

Eridan shook his head, scowling again. The frown fit his facial structure, regardless of how Gamzee said he should smile more. Homework was tedious but, unfortunately, necessary. He slammed his textbooks closed, stuffing them into his bookbag. He really did hate work. Hated everything, now that he was older and actually knew what was going on.

Knew just how shitty the whole world was.

_0o0o0_

His cellphone was ringing loudly. Again. Again. Again. He groaned, sitting up on the couch and shuffling into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He felt terrible. The phone beeped as he answered it, "Eridan Ampora speaking."

Gamzee laughed, "So motherfuckin' formal, bro. Shit, knew this was the best motherfucking idea I've had in a long ass time. Y'know the cafe? With all them miraculous smoothies and the shitty nachos? Yeah, y'need to haul your motherfuckin' ass over here."

"...May I know why?"

"Naw, Eribro. Can't do that. Lips are motherfuckin' sealed with a broken zipper. C'mon. Don't make us wait up all night."

He shifted a little before mumbling into the phone. He hung up, shuffling to his room. The mirrors taunted him again. Bastards. _Bastards_. Eridan jogged, and then ran, to his room and slammed the door. Outside, he heard something shake dust onto the creak-riddled floor. He really needed to get someone in here to clean.

His legs ached a little as he dragged on jeans that were a little too tight and a long-sleeved shirt that only served to highlight his angular frame. He was undesireable. No need, and no point, in hiding it. He slipped a finely boned hand through dark locks. He had thought about coloring it at some point. Black was so common around here.

The cafe Gamzee had specified was a small place run by a slightly annoying young man named Kankri. To be perfectly honest, it actually belonged to his father, but Kankri was the one most spoke to and gave orders to. He enjoyed talking, and was more than likely to insult you if you weren't able to keep up with the steady flow of passive-aggressive jousting.

Eridan didn't like the fellow, and had a feeling he never would.

He didn't own a bike or a car, so he had to tuck his hands into the pockets of his jacket and jog there. Luckily, it was relatively close, so the cool air didn't have time to tear at his sharp face. The entrance bell chimed a little as he entered, shrugging off his down-stuffed jacket. Kankri didn't spare him a glance. He seemed busy, conversing with a man who occasionally made hand motions. The stranger seemed a little familar.

Gamzee was in the far back, and he wasn't alone. _God_, was this going to be one of his blind matchmaking sessions? The scarfed male wanted to sock his best friend right in the jaw. He sat down after placing his jacket on the back of his chair. His vision was suddenly filled with a vibrant, ruby red.

The person beside Gamzee looked tiny, limbs swallowed by a massive sweater. Black hair that might have been neatly combed at one point, and careful, delicate features. A slightly upturned nose, cherry-pink lips that off set the stark paleness of that complexion. And the eyes, huge and staring in his soul, were burning with a flame that shocked Eridan a little.

Stiffly, he held out his hand, "...Eridan Ampora."

The other didn't bothering offering a hand. "Karkat Vantas," the lips uttered. The voice was a little harsh, scraping against the back of the probably slim throat. But it had a soft... _something_ to it that made Eridan want to listen.

"A'right, Eribro, 'bout time I motherfucking introduced you." Gamzee unceremoniously ruffled Karkat's hair, earning himself a glare, "This here is probably the greatest little guy on this motherfuckin' planet. He's good at getting people together, so I thought, hey, Eribro could use a boost. I'm a fuckin' genius, I know."

The matchmaker, because that was definitely what he was, slapped Gamzee's hand away. "If we were not so entrenched in this vile excuse of a friendship, you would have been found castrated and alone on the side of some forgotten highway." Oh, great, looks like he talked a lot too.

Vantas. Eridan shot a glance over at Kankri, still conversing with the wild-haired man he didn't know. Must be a Vantas thing.

"Ampora," wow, the little bastard was really good at spitting out his name, even managing to sneer a little, "This insufferable, mindless stoner had informed me of your rather pitiable situation. Lost the girl of your fucking dreams, hopes, and life to some guy who's probably a hundred times better than you, but still, the asshole got what you always wanted without even putting up a fight. Right?"

Eridan was not one for violence. Mostly because he was used to just letting it wash over him. The insults, the threats, the taunts. But hearing the whole story, and _that was the whole fucking story_, drawled out in that slightly scratchy voice made him so _angry_. He stood up, grabbed Karkat by the front of his huge sweater and raised a fist.

He really was tiny. His feet didn't reach the floor, and his shoes were too big. His pants were turned up three times so he wouldn't trip. The fist he had made wavered a little, and dropped when Karkat's hands met the cool one bunched in his sweater. He was _warm_, and it seemed to spread throughout Eridan's body from that one contact point.

Slowly, he put Karkat down, collapsing in his chair. The tiny male was right where he set him, watching him break down in sobs. Gamzee didn't come to his aid for once, though it was obvious he wanted to. However, the matchmaker held up a hand, staying the other, and stepped beside Eridan.

A warm hand, small and slim, rubbed over his back. Steady massaging over his shoulder blades and down his spine. His cold body was craving it. His diaphram stopped spasming, his lungs working again. Eridan knew his eyes were puffy and his nose rose now, but he was offered a candy-red handkerchief, so he took it to sort of right himself. "It's okay," the scratchy, _hateful_, soothing voice said.

And it all came crashing down. Everything. He turned and clutched at Karkat, arms wrapped around the tiny body. He didn't seem to mind as he cried all over the sweater, probably getting the huge black thing filthy with snot and saliva. He told him everything, even things he had hidden from Gamzee, but it was garbled up in sobs and chokes.

Karkat motioned for Gamzee to go, and he did, waving to Kankri and the silent man with him. He pulled a chair behind him with pactised ease, not leaving Eridan's grasp until he sat. Then, he took the broken boy's hands - he only was a boy, lost and lonely - and whispered again, "It's okay, Ampora. We will fix everything."

Eridan felt like such a fool. But when his violet eyes, reddened and still emitting tears, felt with the burning, passionate red of Karkat... He found he believed him. He smiled weakly, "Everything?"

"_Every_thing."

_**0o0o0**_

**Holy shit guys, I'm glad you like it. All four of you. Here! *flings kisses at you***


End file.
